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You’ve got a brother, son, cousin, best friend or neighbour about whom you have your suspicions. You don’t know what it is but you have a feeling that there’s something that he’s hiding and something that you’re really not completely clear on. There’s not something that you can really pin your thoughts down on, but perhaps he’s got a particular way of acting, a group of (stereotypical) interests, his friends act in a ‘certain’ way that makes you wonder. You think he might be gay. It’s best to know, right? Is he gay?

I’m not thinking of the case where you’re dating a guy and think that in fact he might be gay. This isn’t that. I’m talking about when you have a really close relation and you want to know what’s going on in his mind. The idea is that if you ask him then everything will not only make sense but become a lot easier because you can both be honest with one another. When people hide aspects of themselves from one another there’s often something behind it. You hide for long enough, pretending to be something that you’re not, smothering your personality that in time you become someone else. In the process you don’t lose the thing(s) that you were trying to obscure, but you become somehow a lesser person. You’re not the ‘real you’. It can be fantastic to tell someone things that have been hidden or not even really understood for a long time. There’s a release.

The problem is, if you’re asking yourself this question, ‘Is it alright to ask?’ then you should acknowledge that the question is not being asked for the benefit of the person under suspicion, but for your own benefit. You’d quite like to know, wouldn’t you? You’ve been wondering.

I’m thinking about this because I went on a date a couple of days ago with Belgian guy who told me some of his experience coming to terms with his sexuality, and how his significantly older sister asked him, when he was 15, whether he was gay. Surprisingly to me, he really knew his own mind at the time and confirmed her question. She went off and immediately talked to their mother about it. His mother was absolutely fine with it and the story doesn’t become any more dramatic. But his mother took a hard line with the sister and told her not to ask him again. Why? Because coming out isn’t a process you do when someone corners you. Someone who is afraid enough to be honest with their closest friends and family, afraid enough to be honest with themselves, won’t be helped by being pushed. Being asked the question doesn’t make someone, internally, acknowledge the fact in any more concrete way, but will simply scare them half to death as to what your reaction will be.

My older sister asked me as well. I was, being honest, taking my time. I’d known for a while, but I wasn’t ready. She had nothing but good intentions in asking me, but it’s something nobody should ever do. Not only do you worry the person asked but you also rob them of the opportunity to come to you and tell you. Coming to a friend and telling them one of your deepest darkest secrets is an act of complete trust and friendship and doing so is an amazing strengthening thing. They’ve trusted you enough with their real self. It’s a huge compliment. But pigeoning someone and asking them removes that and simply makes a yes/no situation out of the process. While it may be less of an ordeal, the value of the process is destroyed.

If you value the person who you’re thinking about, if you’re not sure about the sexual orientation of some guy or girl, unless you’re dating them, don’t ask them. You keep for them the opportunity to show how much they love you - simply by revealing themselves on their own.