The image above comes from the Flickr photostream of a Frenchman, called Loutseu whose work I stumbled across earlier today. His photos are fantastic: a combination of macro, HDR, black and white, long-exposure and just well framed interesting shots. Of course I also appreciate the fact that there’s always a bit of french thrown in there. It makes learning easier!
I was in Leeds from last Friday. I took morning flight from Bruxelles that got me into Leeds for about 10:30. I had been planning to see my friend Helen that morning, as I was staying at her house, but she’d just started a new job the morning in question so that idea wasn’t possible. I killed some time by heading into the University and sorting out admin that I needed to do for my own piece of mind. Not completely necessary but good to do. That’s kind of how the whole trip turned out: not necessary but good to do.
Over the last couple months I had been pretty scared with myself becausem having broken up with my boyfriend at the end of the University term I was then pretty out of touch for about a month and a half. Then I came to Belgium. I had felt myself very isolated and alone at firstm compounded by a feeling that I was being completely forgotten by this boy I’d really fallen for. So part of my intention of the trip was to ask him if I’d somehow done something wrong. From two meetings we had, one uncomfortable one in a nice but loud and overpriced bar and another at his apartement I found out there wasn’t anything I’d done wrong. I hadn’t been a shit by leaving, by not being in touch enough, by doing any of the number of things that had been going through my mind. He said he’d simply been busy and his life (him being the same age but two years ahead of me at University) had been changing a lot with his new job. I really didn’t want to accept that reason but in a way I have to. When we were together I’d felt as though at times he was maintaining a form of distance between us and as a result was shocked by how upset he was when we went out separate ways. That hesitance on my part had always made me question whether I wasn’t hearing from him because he was busy or because he simply didn’t really care. I still don’t feel like I have a real answer to that. I told him that I’d missed him and that the silence had hurt. I told him that it surprised me, and that I was saddened by the way our meeting the previous night had felt like an awkward first date. I’d never really ever sat down with someone before and told them directly how I’d been hurt. I felt like I wanted to shout at him but could sense that really he didn’t deserve it. That was a shame because a bit of shouting would have done me good! I had been so angry! Not so much anymore because seeing him was a bit like some sort of absolution.
One thing that I learnt from that encounter was that if I want to be happy in a relationship and not just feel like I’m settling, I need to be prepared to complain more, to cause more trouble, to have fights but to get over them. A relationship without any arguements cannot be really honest for either person. Human beings whine, and I’m sure I need to vent just as much as the next person. Holding it in is like blowing up a balloon and never letting the air out: at some point the whole thing’s going to explode.
I found that I have some amazing friends who went out of their way to arrange to meet up, who are amazing people and who I love. These are people I may not have very much in common with but who are absolutely stellar individuals and who I know deserve to go far. The people address books are made for. I miss them already. I also saw some people who, even when I went to see them and met up with them were not that interested in seeing me, asking anything about what I’d been doing or even wanting to tell me what they’d been up to. I know some people who, perhaps, are not all that worth knowing. I find it really heartbreaking to think of evaluating friends in this way because they’re people who I know and have invested a lot of time in, but when I come back and see them again, from perhaps a slightly new perspective out of the context of daily University life, do not reflect the personality traits I thought I’d seen in them in the first place.
Some people I didn’t know that well to begin with but were unbelievably kind and generous while I was there. Friends of friends who (impressively) actually remembered my name! I wouldn’t have if I were them! Honestly, I’m not that big a deal. I’m really sad that some of my friends and the friends of friends will not be around when I return. That is really tough, but I know if we were real friends to begin with, we’ll stay in touch somehow.
I went to Paris on Friday mid-morning and arrived in Blvd Montparnasse expecting to meet a sweet, 70-odd year old French lady with a strong accent and not perfect English, smoking away non stop on her cigarettes. I found all of those things but instead of being a sweet old lady she was a horrible old lady who was opinionated and didn’t mind telling you about it, insulting your friends and language and manners and appearance. She was not agreeable or kind and made the 24 hour stay I submitted to a little slice of hell. I decided after those 24 hours that instead of staying until the Sunday afternoon as I’d planned that I would leave early. International trains from France to Belgium are not hard, they don’t even bother checking passports. I was not prepared to leave with my tail between my legs as though I’d done something wrong, so told her why I was leaving and my thoughts. I was not insulting or rude to her, save telling her I myself had never been so insulted in my life. She wasn’t impressed, but then I didn’t expect her to be. I felt bad though because this left Caroline high and dry and remaining in the fallout of my departure for the following 24 hours. That cannot have been enjoyable. But after her time of horror she came and visited me in Belgium, spending the rest of her birthday (the 4th this is) with me. It was an ultra-quick visit but still great to show her around ‘my’ town so that when I talk about certain people or places she at least has a clue about what I’m on about!
Two great visits and one less successful one. I’ve tried, while writing this, to think in the way Ellen mentions in this interview in W magazine. She talks about not being duplicitous, not publicly making fun of people. I get a deep feeling of empathy from her. In the interview she says:
I got to learn how to sit back and watch other people and learn what judgment was and have compassion. And learn that not only was I strong enough to make it in the first place, but I was strong enough to come back and make it again. How lucky am I to have learned that? That took a lot. I wanted to crawl up in a ball and climb in a hole and hide forever; I was embarrassed. That’s why I look at it as a blessing.
Today I don’t feel overly concerned about talking about anything in particular on this site. I’ll talk about that past relationship, discuss friends (though no specifics please), and even future ones. Hey, speaking of which, am going to a party thrown by some Spanish gay-guy tonight. He has a boyfriend. Shame. But all the same who knows what might happen!
Bruxelles was great - and the company made it even more so. Thanks xxx